Of all the places to get myself going…

I went to church tonight for Holy Thursday. I wasn’t thinking of going at first, but my mom asked me to come. I hadn’t gone to mass in a while, so I felt kind of guilty and went.

I’m not a really religious person, but I like to believe that there’s a God and some purpose for worship… but this isn’t what I want to talk about.

Usually, I just go through the usual motions of mass without really thinking about it, but when we were in the chapel afterwards and kneeling in silence… I found myself… praying? I used to do that. Pray. But I wasn’t really praying, I just kind of thought of what’s going on in my life… and I could have prayed saying things like, “Please help me God” or “Give me the strength.” But I couldn’t bring myself to say that. I just ended up thinking, “I know I’m not totally happy with everything… but I can’t go on and blame everything/everyone or beg for a break.”

So that’s when I just felt this idea surge to the front of my head: “I’ll do it. I’m making this promise… I will do it on my own, stop bumming around, and just get it done” I admit that I had gotten… complacent? No. No way. More unmotivated and depressed than anything else. I am not happy with where I am. Yeah, I’ve complained about this so many times, but somehow I just think it’s been long overdue for me to just fucking grow up.

And… I feel like I always talk a big game all the time… and nothing ever gets done. I just really hope I follow through this time. I can’t keep myself stuck like this anymore.

Tomorrow’s a new day. Let’s not waste it, hm?