Of all the places to get myself going…

I went to church tonight for Holy Thursday. I wasn’t thinking of going at first, but my mom asked me to come. I hadn’t gone to mass in a while, so I felt kind of guilty and went.

I’m not a really religious person, but I like to believe that there’s a God and some purpose for worship… but this isn’t what I want to talk about.

Usually, I just go through the usual motions of mass without really thinking about it, but when we were in the chapel afterwards and kneeling in silence… I found myself… praying? I used to do that. Pray. But I wasn’t really praying, I just kind of thought of what’s going on in my life… and I could have prayed saying things like, “Please help me God” or “Give me the strength.” But I couldn’t bring myself to say that. I just ended up thinking, “I know I’m not totally happy with everything… but I can’t go on and blame everything/everyone or beg for a break.”

So that’s when I just felt this idea surge to the front of my head: “I’ll do it. I’m making this promise… I will do it on my own, stop bumming around, and just get it done” I admit that I had gotten… complacent? No. No way. More unmotivated and depressed than anything else. I am not happy with where I am. Yeah, I’ve complained about this so many times, but somehow I just think it’s been long overdue for me to just fucking grow up.

And… I feel like I always talk a big game all the time… and nothing ever gets done. I just really hope I follow through this time. I can’t keep myself stuck like this anymore.

Tomorrow’s a new day. Let’s not waste it, hm?

I hate feeling so unmotivated… someone come over and punch me in the face so I can get shit done already.

i… don’t know what to write about.

i’m sure it will come to me eventually.

sometimes dreams are just that… dreams, fleeting and fading away, wishes never realized.

it’s going to suck to go through this emotional bullshit all over again…